We’ve all seen it:
“If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.”
It’s on Instagram, in self-help books, and in therapy sessions. It sounds like a powerful mantra rooted in the belief that decisions can be boiled down to a black-and-white, on-or-off, foolproof system.
Just say “No” to anything that isn’t a full-body, lightning bolt of “YES!”
Is that true, though? Or is life more nuanced than that?
What happens when trauma, anxiety, or attachment styles hijack our nervous system so that anything real, intimate, or long-term feels more like “maybe” or even “RUN”?
What happens when the phrase that’s supposed to protect you quietly becomes the thing that keeps you stuck?
In this article, I’ll explore the realities of living in accordance with this phrase, and separate the meme-psych tropes from the useful information that’s grounded and self-aware.
After all, what good is a catchy phrase if it reinforces maladaptive patterns?
Why “Hell Yes” or “No” Exists
On the surface, “hell yes or no” is seductive because it promises three things people desire:
- Clarity in a confusing world
- Boundaries, if you’ve lived without them
- Relief from rumination
But here’s the thing — feelings can, and often are, wrong.
That isn’t to say that you shouldn’t trust your gut, but the difference between a gut feeling that’s correct and a fear-based response is minute.
It often takes years to tell the difference.
For example, if you’ve spent your life saying yes to things you didn’t want — more work, more dates, more favors, more emotional labor — a rule like this feels like a rescue boat. But is it?
People Pleasers are notorious for saying “yes” to things they regret later on, usually from a place of obligation, guilt, or a fear of being a disappointment. The resentment comes out sideways in the form of passive-aggressiveness or score-keeping, which often blurs the lines between a “hell yes” response and codependency.
Where “Hell Yes or No” Actually Works
1. Big, energy-intensive commitments
The phrase is often helpful for choices that will shape your life for years:
- Romantic partners
- Major business partnerships
- Jobs that will dominate your time and mental space
- Long-term living situations
- Big creative projects that will cost enormous energy
These are decisions where half-hearted yeses can turn into resentment.
If you’re about to:
- Move in with someone
- Sign a multi-year lease
- Co-found a company
- Take a job that will own your weekdays and nervous system
Then the question “Do I genuinely want this?” matters.
Here, “hell yes” doesn’t mean butterflies and dopamine spikes. It means:
- Inner alignment: “This matches who I am and what I want to build.”
- Stable excitement: Not manic, not numb. Just a steady “Yes.”
- Low self-betrayal: You’re not selling your values or peace of mind to get it.
When used this way, “hell yes or no” becomes a boundary, not a personality trait. It’s a filter for high-cost commitments where lukewarm or unclear agreements can hurt everyone involved.
2. Social and emotional overcommitment
If you’re a chronic people-pleaser, this mantra can be temporary medicine.
When every invitation triggers guilt —
when you’d rather suffer than disappoint —
“hell yes or no” can be a way to practice saying:
“If I don’t actually want to be there, I’m not going.”
It can retrain the nervous system to stop treating other people’s comfort as more important than one’s own emotional sanity.
Where the Phrase Falls Apart
The trouble starts when this rule stops being a tool and becomes a belief about how life is supposed to work.
Because under the hood, it has a few hidden assumptions:
- That your feelings are always clear or true
- That your nervous system is a reliable compass
- That the best things in life start with certainty
- Or worse — the best things in life start with a BANG.
That sounds nice, but it’s not reality.
Let’s look at a few ways this mantra becomes harmful.
1. It Confuses Avoidance With Wisdom
Sometimes “not a hell yes” means:
- I’m genuinely not interested.
- This conflicts with my values.
- This would be a self-betrayal.
But other times, not a “hell yes” secretly means:
- I’m terrified of being hurt.
- I’m afraid to be seen.
- If I commit and fail, what does that say about me?
- If they really know me, they’ll leave, so I'd better not start.
The nervous system doesn’t send pop-up notifications labeled:
“Hey, just so you know, this ‘no’ is actually fear masquerading as intuition.”
It just sends a feeling of contraction, discomfort, or vague resistance. If the rule is “anything that isn’t a hell yes is a no,” fear wins every time.
- That promising relationship? Not a hell yes because vulnerability is terrifying.
- Is that job or project slightly above your current skill? Not a hell yes because imposter syndrome is screaming.
- That opportunity that requires being visible, pitching, or leading? Not a hell yes because childhood humiliation is still living in your nervous system.
The mantra doesn’t differentiate between:
A wise no and a no that’s actually “I’m scared.”
So, fear gets to dress up in “boundaries” and calls itself self-care.
2. It Ignores How Many Great Things Start as “I Don’t Know Yet.”
Think about some of the most meaningful things a human can do:
- Healing
- Deep friendship
- Long-term love
- Fulfilling work
- Creative mastery
- Sobriety, meditation, or therapy
- Parenting, mentoring, teaching
How many of those begin with a clean, thunderbolt HELL YES?
More often, they start as:
- “I’m curious.”
- “I feel pulled toward this for reasons I can’t fully explain.”
- “I’m scared, but something in me wants to try.”
- “This is inconvenient, but it feels important.”
- “I’ve hit bottom, and I need help.”
- “This is a court mandate.”
Beginnings are often messy.
- The first honest therapy session is rarely a “hell yes.”
- The first attempt at a new creative discipline can feel awkward and humbling.
- The first sober day, the first meditation class, the first awkward conversation with a partner about needs — none of that feels like fireworks.
If “not a hell yes” automatically equals “no,” then anything that starts with curiosity instead of explosive certainty gets cut off before it has a chance to grow.
3. It Mistakes Dopamine for Destiny
There’s another problem: the human brain is wired to get high on novelty.
The “hell yes” feeling can come from two very different places:
- Grounded alignment
- Calm but energized
- A feeling of expansion
- A quiet knowing: “This fits.”
- Dopamine and drama
- Intensity
- Obsession
- Fantasy
- The urge to move fast and not think too much
One is a regulated yes. One is a dysregulated yes.
The phrase “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no” does not differentiate between these.
So, a person might:
- Say yes to chaotic relationships because they produce a “hell yes” chemical rush
- Say no to stable, emotionally safe people because they don’t feel like a movie
- Chase high-intensity jobs or projects that burn them out, but feel important because of the adrenaline
Intensity is not the same as truth. Chaos is not the same as passion. Anxiety + attraction does not equal destiny.
If the only yes allowed is “hell yes,” then life becomes a hunt for higher and higher spikes of stimulation… instead of a slow build of meaning.
A Better Question Than “Is This a Hell Yes?”
Instead of “hell yes or no,” try something more nuanced:
“Is this a grounded yes?”
A grounded yes includes two different checks:
1. A Yes in the Body
Before going to the mind’s story, tune into the body:
- Does this feel expansive or contracted?
- Is there a sense of calm energy or just anxiety and urgency?
- Does the idea of saying yes feel like relief or like self-betrayal?
Grounded “yes” often feels like:
- Relaxed shoulders
- Fuller breath
- A sense of “this is a stretch, but I can grow into it.”
Dysregulated “yes” often feels like:
- Tight chest
- Racing thoughts
- Urgency: “Say ‘yes’ now before it disappears!”
- Fear of missing out more than genuine desire
2. A Yes in the Values
Then ask:
- “Does this align with the kind of person I want to be?”
- “Is this consistent with my long-term goals, not just today’s mood?”
- “Would future-me say 'thank you' or 'why did you do that to us?’”
A grounded yes is less about how loud the feeling is and more about what it’s rooted in.
A Simple 5-Question Framework for Real-Life Decisions
Instead of one catchy line, try filtering important decisions through these five questions:
- Does this expand or contract me? Not “does this scare me,” but “does it ultimately expand my life, skills, heart, or possibilities?”
- Is my attraction to this regulated or dysregulated? Does it feel like curiosity and energy, or like obsession and panic?
- Am I saying yes out of desire or fear? Desire: “I want this because it matters to me.” Fear: “I’m saying yes so they don’t leave / so I’m not rejected / so I don’t feel guilty.”
- Does future-me thank me for this? Picture yourself 6–12 months out. Is there a sense of gratitude for this decision, or a sense of “you knew better”?
- Is this aligned with the life I’m building, not the life I’m escaping? Are you moving toward something you want, or away from discomfort?
If at least three of these answers feel like solid yeses, it may be worth exploring — even if it isn’t a fireworks-level “hell yes.”
“No, for Now” Is Also an Option
Another hidden problem with “hell yes or no” is how absolute it sounds.
Life is not a one-shot decision game. There’s a difference between:
“No, never” and “No, for now.”
Sometimes the wisest move is:
- “I don’t have enough information yet.”
- “My nervous system is too flooded to tell what’s true.”
- “I need more time and a few more data points.”
That’s not indecision. That’s discernment.
Pausing is different from avoiding. Waiting for more clarity is different from running away.
So… Is the Phrase Useless?
Not at all.
“If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no” can be:
- A training wheel for former people-pleasers learning to say no
- A temporary safeguard for those who chronically override their own needs
- A boundary tool for big life commitments that can’t be half-hearted
The key is to recognize what it is:
- A blunt instrument, not a subtle one
- A seasonal tool, not a lifelong philosophy
- A starting point, not a final spiritual law
Used wisely, it can interrupt reflexive yeses. Used blindly, it can block the slow, clumsy beginnings of the very life someone actually wants.
The Deeper Shift: From “Hell Yes” to Honest Yes
Most people don’t need more mantras.
They need better questions, more honest self-inquiry, and a willingness to sit in the discomfort of “I don’t fully know yet.”
The real work looks less like:
“If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.”
And more like:
- “What part of me is saying yes right now — my fear, my ego, or my heart?”
- “Where am I mistaking drama for depth?”
- “Am I protecting myself, or am I keeping my life small?”
- “Is this uncomfortable because it’s wrong for me, or because it asks me to grow?”
Sometimes the bravest choice isn’t a “hell yes” or a “hard no.”
Sometimes it’s a quiet, grounded:
“This scares me, and I’m willing to take one small step closer and see.”
That’s not as catchy on a poster. But it’s a lot closer to how real change, genuine intimacy, and meaningful work actually begin.